P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You ate ashes out of my bong
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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