Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
