I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we have pet lesbian snakes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
