the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
