I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
