You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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