woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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