We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize