her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am spending my child support on dildos
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize