Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
