Please, let me fuck your mom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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