Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
