I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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