I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize