This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
