So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
