he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
