your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
