Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
