Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Apparently you make a good broom.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
