I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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