how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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