Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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