sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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