watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
