3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
