shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
