I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
