Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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