I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
another moral hangover. fuck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Two words: blizzard sex
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
