Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
