im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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