so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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