I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
