And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
