I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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