How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
