dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
