What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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