Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize