Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
