i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize