I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
