walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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