I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
