I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You ate ashes out of my bong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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