i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
