Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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