you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
