I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
