just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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