Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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