So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
