I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
