so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
