I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
