70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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