I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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