Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
