There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
