I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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